How Can I Help My Non-Jewish Partner Feel Comfortable in a Synagogue or at a Service?
with Rabbi Marvin Goodman
In this new column, Bay Area experts will answer your questions about family life and relationships between people of different faiths. If you have a question for our experts, please email us at bridges@sfjcf.org.
Feeling comfortable in a synagogue doesn’t come with Jewish genes. Like a first day in a new job or any new or different experience, it takes more than once to begin to reach a level of comfort.
When you decide that you’re going to introduce your partner to the synagogue, it’s important to prepare yourselves for the visit. You may feel at home at the congregation, but don’t expect your partner to feel the same way, even if he or she knows other members. And if you’re not at ease, that will add to the anxiety.
Here are some things you can do to make visiting a synagogue a positive experience for both of you:
1. Do a little investigating first. You’ve been invited to your nephew’s bar mitzvah and have never been to this synagogue. Is this a Reform, Conservative, Renewal or other type of congregation? Will the prayers be in Hebrew or English, or both? Will there be music? Are men expected to wear kippahs (head coverings)? If it’s a congregation you’re familiar with, tell your partner what to expect. Visiting the synagogue’s website and/or calling for information are ways to answer these questions.
2. Start in small bites. Are you introducing your partner to services at a Saturday Shabbat? Instead of coming at the beginning, arrive as the Torah service begins. That way you can participate in some of the prayers and hear the sermon as well, but you won’t be overwhelmed by a service that might seem to go on and on. And, your partner might find the beginning Torah reading very inspirational. The synagogue office can often provide a ballpark schedule for the morning’s service.
3. Go to a Learner's Minyan (service). Many congregations offer classes to learn about a prayer service. If your congregation has one, take advantage of it. If not, ask the rabbi to hold one. You’ll be surprised at how many people will benefit from it.
4. Tell the rabbi you’re coming. Whether it’s your congregation, or a new one, contact the rabbi and let him/her know that you’ll be at the service. Then introduce yourselves afterwards. Many congregations have committees who will greet and welcome you.
5. Don’t think you’re the only “stranger” at the synagogue. People come to services for a variety of reasons and while some are weekly participants, others come only for memorial services or other unique occasions. Not everyone knows Hebrew or can follow along in a service. For this reason, many congregations have prayer books with transliterations – Hebrew words in English characters – so that non-Hebrew speakers/readers can participate.
6. It’s ok to simply listen. Your non-Jewish partner may not be comfortable reading Jewish prayers. That’s ok. He or she may want to read the English and begin to understand what a Jewish service is about.
Interfaith families are a large part of our Jewish community and congregations today make a special effort to welcome and involve the whole family. Don’t hesitate to get in touch with a rabbi or temple leadership with any questions. Or feel free to contact me at marving@sfjcf.org. We want to hear from you.
Rabbi Marvin Goodman is executive director of the Board of Rabbis of Northern California and the Rabbi in Residence at the Jewish Community Federation of San Francisco, the Peninsula, Marin and Sonoma Counties. Prior to this position, Rabbi Goodman served as the rabbi of Peninsula Temple Sinai in Foster City for 19 years.
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