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January 2007
Interfaith Couples Find Solace in JCCSF Group In her mid-20s, Gerelee Goltsev, a secular Russian Jewish childhood émigré, was growing more connected to the Jewish community and religion. But when she met Richard Howard at work, sparks flew and a deep connection formed, despite the fact that the two came from very different backgrounds — Richard was Catholic. While some voices in the Jewish religion decry intermarriage as a loss to the Jewish community and turn their backs on Jews who have “betrayed the faith,” more pragmatic members of the community have reacted by catering to this growing demographic. Their intention is to help intermarrying Jews hold onto their religion and figure out how to pass it down to their children. “According to the 2004 Jewish Federation study, 56 percent* of Jews are intermarrying. That number has been slowly creeping up since the first National Jewish Population Study came out in the 1980s,” says Helena McMahon, a marriage and family therapist who has been leading discussion groups for interfaith couples at the Jewish Community Center of San Francisco (JCCSF) for the last two years. The JCCSF’s Interfaith Connection began in 1986, as a reaction to the growing interfaith community in the Bay Area and was the first of its kind in the country. Twenty years later, the Reform Jewish community is catering to interfaith couples and families at their synagogues and institutions. When McMahon took over as the head of Interfaith Connection she brought not only professional expertise, but also personal experience to her job. She’s a Jew married to a Catholic. When she led her most recent interfaith discussion group, a class consisting of five Jewish and Catholic couples, she was a discussion leader with a participant’s experience. She says that Jewish and Catholic couples comprise about 60 percent of the couples she sees at work. “Jewish and Catholic cultures make an interesting combination. Within Judaism lie the roots of Catholicism, which creates an immediate familiarity for the Catholic partner. Catholics and Jews have a lot in common in terms of religious imagery, rituals and symbols, and they often complement one another in levels of expressiveness, styles of communication and political viewpoints,” McMahon says. The couples who enroll in the JCCSF’s seven-week interfaith discussion groups have typically just gotten engaged, married or pregnant and are anticipating tough marital issues, says McMahon. Many of the discussions are centered around how to raise children, and how to deal with holidays and extended family. While the program is offered through a Jewish institution, McMahon is careful not to advocate for couples to choose Judaism, but rather to ask both partners to think about what religion means to them and the role it plays in their life. Sometimes marrying a partner outside of their faith can reinvigorate religious expression for either partner. Counterintuitively, interfaith relationships can be a catalyst for deepening personal spirituality. The most important role of the discussion group, according to participants, is to connect people who feel isolated by their decision to marry outside their faith. The couples in the discussion groups often connect deeply after sharing their stories, fears and experiences. Goltsev’s group has gotten together twice after their group sessions ended, to socialize and sustain the friendships formed. “I think that one of the hardest things about being in an interfaith relationship is feeling alienated from your partner and community. Meeting other couples like us gave us a new community to fit into that were experiencing the issues we were,” Goltsev says. Howard, now Goltsev’s fiancé, says that he learned a great deal about his own relationship from the experiences and stories of other couples. Though no one left the group with all their questions about spirituality and values answered, they were happy to begin this dialogue in such a supportive, comfortable environment among a demographic of people who were just like them. At a recent barbeque at Howard and Goltsev’s house in Guerneville there were lots of jokes about what really brings the Jewish and the Catholic couples together. “We share an intimate understanding of guilt,” Howard chuckled. * This figure includes all interfaith families. It is believed that the number of interfaith marriages in the last few years is considerably higher. Angela Privin, a freelance writer, can be contacted at ap218@hotmail.com. This story was reprinted from j. the Jewish News Weekly. « Previous Article |
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