How Do You Decide in Which Religion to Raise the Kids?
with Rosanne Leavitt
In this new column, Bay Area experts will deal with your questions about family life and relationships between people of different faiths. If you have a question for our experts, please email us at bridges@sfjcf.org.
The most important thing is to begin the conversation.
I suggest you each begin by considering what your religion means to you and what you want to pass on to your children. Make lists and then share them with each other. Discuss with your partner how you want your children to be raised religiously and what observances would look like in your family life. After you have shared your thoughts with each other, you can begin the process of figuring out how the two of you can come to some resolution that will work for both of you.
I’ve found that often the best way to deal with the issue of how to raise the children is in a group or a program for interfaith couples, even before you get married. Group dynamics can trigger issues you may not know you have. You can hear what others are thinking about or plan to do. You may or may not agree, but you will know that you’ve considered varying points of view and options, and looked deeply into your own.
I recommend having the conversation before you are married. There’s no advantage to putting it off. But if you haven’t discussed it before marriage, do it shortly after. And if you still haven’t made a decision before your first child is born, do it then.
Though you’re sure to receive input from parents and friends, it’s absolutely up to you to make the decision. The important thing is that both of you have to believe in what you’re doing. If you don’t, your child will know it – even if you never talk about it.
Just remember this is not a process that is decided in one day or a week. Keep at it until you create a plan for your future.
Rosanne Levitt founded Interfaith Connection at the JCC of San Francisco in 1986 and in doing so, set the stage for acknowledging and welcoming interfaith families into the Jewish community. She served as executive director until retiring in 2004. She currently chairs the Jewish Community Endowment Fund’s Outreach to Interfaith Couples Advisory Committee.
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