Two Faiths – One Home
By Suzan Berns
When two people of different faiths marry, the most important thing, experts agree, is to do the work of deciding how you will practice (or not practice) your faiths in your new family up front, before you marry.
However, the reality is that many couples don’t. And even for those who do, when children arrive, it’s not unusual to discover you care about things you didn’t think you cared about.
In a growing relationship, there’s a tendency to talk about each other’s theology, says Rabbi Henry Shreibman. But, he warns, “Those equations may change once you’re married and again upon anticipation of children.”
“You may have a wonderful plan,” says Helena McMahon, director of Interfaith Connection, “but then a life cycle event occurs and all of a sudden you feel differently.”
Nevertheless, working together to understand your partner’s connection to his or her religion and creating that plan for your future observance together can be wonderful and enriching, notes McMahon. But first, she says, you must be clear on your relationship with your own faith.
“It’s hard to negotiate when you don’t know yourself,” she says. “Talk to your family members, think about what is important to you. What do you love and what do you hate?”
When a couple chooses to practice two religions, it’s essential to define what that means, says McMahon. “Does it mean that you’ll celebrate all the holidays? Will you educate your children in both religions?” What are the boundaries and specifics that each of you have in mind?
Shreibman, who is an educator and Reconstructionist rabbi, suggests that couples should consider God and prayer and agree on how each subject will be handled with children. “Is your God a god of the universe that functions to keep nature in order, or does your God affect your daily and personal life?” he asks.
Will prayer be a part of your life, or not? Will you pray at meals or bedtime? If so, will you use standard prayers from your religion, or will your prayers be original and reflect the day’s or world events?
Holidays are opportunities to create your own traditions. According to Shreibman, families should consider what they will do as a family in their home as well as what they will do outside their home – in the community. “Holidays should be seen as an opportunity to both celebrate and demonstrate different religious practices and to debate them. Exposure permits your child to ask questions and for you to explain your ethics and values,” he notes.
No matter how you choose to express your faith in your own household, holidays with extended families can be challenging. “Grandparents, uncles and aunts want you to be a part of their celebrations, but you may not be so sure their belief system is the one you want for your children,” says Shreibman.
He suggests talking to your kids and explaining that grandma and grandpa have different beliefs than our family, and that’s ok. “Children are incredibly adaptive and can sort out differences.”
“The best thing is to feel positive about what you’re doing,” says McMahon. “Children sense negativity and tension. They deserve honest, open conversation that can lead to positive feelings both about religion and about their interfaith home.”
There are a number of programs in the Bay Area to help you explore your feelings and options. Among them are: Helena McMahon at Interfaith Connection, 415.292.1252 or hmcmahon@jccsf.org; Dawn Kepler at Building Jewish Bridges, 510.414.2255 or dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org. For additional resources, contact Jewish Community Information & Referral at 415.777.4545 or info@JewishNfo.org.
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